Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
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(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
“you changed” bro i was 15
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me as a therapist: omg same
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.