*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
You Might Also Like
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.