Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party