Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.