boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Perfect.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.