Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.