Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
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Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
how it started vs how it ended
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea