Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Donating blood today to make room for more food
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe