GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me irl