I’d use my best pan on you.
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My boss called in sick of me
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.