That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
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The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up