If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
monday
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
North and South