I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove