The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.