no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
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Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..