There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
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[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza