Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
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Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
cry laughing at this shit
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat