I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
going to the ER y’all need anything