Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
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If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.