My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
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Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”