I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
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Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*checks Timeline*…
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.