Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
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I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.