i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
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My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”