Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
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seems like a niche market
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad