Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
yall want some gasoline milk
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?