It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
You Might Also Like
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Finally!
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.