Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
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A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Wednesday
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I’m pretty like a car crash.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.