Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
motivation
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys