The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Don’t touch that.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
j o i m p
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope