If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
A short story about romance.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.