Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
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i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My dating profile:
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name