A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.