bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
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On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no