That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Welcome
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔