“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
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Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Sending in my taxes
True
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Running your mouth is not cardio.