I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
You Might Also Like
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
dads on road-trips be like
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan