Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
my dad has had enough
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.