*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
You Might Also Like
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*