My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do