Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
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This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️