At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
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Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets