The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
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Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …