That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
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Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them