Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Shower sex be like:
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Perfect
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.