Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
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COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
That’s classic.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase