cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
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My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I hate everything
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.