Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.