My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
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I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
What number SPF blocks people?
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed