I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
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summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I put the p in pants.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.