[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
that colleague who touches your screen
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.